Accurate Dictionary

In a time of muddled language and words losing all meaning, it falls to the best and brightest among us to engage in a heroic effort to make language correspond to reality again, a Herculean, Confucius-inspired work of rectification of names.

This document will be progressively updated.

Academia, left-wing – A group of people who failed to meaningfully order their own lives, trying to order everyone else’s.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez – Chiquita Krushchev. (credit: someone on Twitter)

Alternative medicine – Not medicine, prone to leading to alternative (i.e. also not) health.

American cuisine – Corn syrup in a variety of colours and shapes.

Anti-nuclear movement – One of the most successful Soviet active measures projects, which managed to advance Russian economic and geopolitical interests by convincing gullible western ignoramuses that the cleanest source of energy ever invented is bad.

Anti-racism 1. Hatred of a group of people based on the color of their skin (exclusively applied to whites) 2. The opposite of 1, opposition to all ethnic prejudice, the default position of 99.9% people in the developed world.

Anti-vaccination movement – see Eugenics.

Asabiyyah – The Islamic equivalent of the concept of social capital, which unlike the Western counterpart includes not only internal group cohesion and trust, but also the capacity for violent outward conquest and subjugation – explaining virtually the entirety of the cultural differences.

Austerity – Marginally smaller deficits.

Austerity, crushing – Almost, though not quite, living within means. Borrowing only 100 billion dollars per year.

Autoethnography – Resentful bad blogging pretending to be intellectual work.

Basque – A language isolate spoken by the Basque people in the Pyrenees, a late derivative of colonial Atlantean dialect, sadly bastardized by intermixture with Spanish (which can also be said of the Basque people themselves).

Bitcoin – The original cryptocurrency. Decentralized, deflationary, permissionless asset-money currently poised in a superposition of being one of the most important financial innovations in history and a total joke, depending on near future adoption rate and network effects, notably in the next financial crisis.

Body positivity 1. The notion that all bodies are beautiful, except the beautiful, who are obsessive narcissists and should be ashamed of themselves. 2. A norm of nonjudgment and self-acceptance originally invented for burn victims and people with incurable illnesses, which got appropriated by people who can’t say no to cake and try to externalize their shame on the rest of society.

Bosporus 1. A strait between the Mediterranean and Black seas. 2. The only reason anyone pretends Turkey is part of the civilized world.

British Empire – The largest enterprise in human history to date, an organization established for the purpose of bringing edible cuisine to Britain. Later replaced by the cheaper and more ethical policy of importing foreign cooks. (I.e. importing the world rather than exporting Britain)

Capitalism 1. People freely and voluntarily exchanging goods and services, like they have any right to it. 2. A word invented by Victorian proto-hipsters to whine about 1.

Celibacy, clerical – The secret sauce that helped create the modern world and helped rationalism, humanism and democracy, as well as high median IQs to flourish in Europe by systematically removing the crazies, gullibles, schizophrenics, hysterics, lunatics, fanatics and morons from the gene pool for hundreds of years.

China – A formerly briefly communist, now textbook fascist surveillance state, with rampant ethnic chauvinism and a state-controlled economy, successfully posing as a communist one. (See Communism)

Cisgender – A person with a penis thinking of himself as a man, or a person with a vagina thinking of herself as a woman, which is basically fascism.

Cliché – A true thing someone hates to hear, but hears a lot due to making the same error all the time and getting corrected by helpful others.

Coffee – A nootropic drink that played a key role in history by lubricating the Enlightenment.

Coffee, American1. Three molecules of caffeine bobbing about in a liter of lukewarm water, colored and flavored with apparent tar. 2. A 3000 calorie, $8 monstrosity of flavored syrups and soylent milk surrogates, consumed on a regular basis by people who then wonder where all their money went and why they’re so fat. (See also Fair Trade, Fat Acceptance, Body Positivity, Idiot Tax)

Communism1. The only thing in history actually worse than Hitler. 2. Fascism minus food.

Communist – A person who wants to take away everything you own and enslave you, for your own good.

Conspiracy theories – Outlandish narratives designed to distract from less exciting but more criminal real conspiracies. E.g. UFOs as a distraction from misappropriation of funds at the Pentagon, which rather than buying America secret spaceships simply buys regular ships for Lockheed’s board of directors.

Corporation – A tool for shredding good genes into fat EBITDAs.

Cricket – A complicated practical joke played upon South Asian subjects by their British overlords.

Cultural relativism – The notion, irreconcilable with consequentialist ethics, that all cultures are “equal”, and any objective judgment of their relative merits or desirability is impossible. The only exception is the culture that invented almost everything, including the concept of human rights, which is bad. (See Western Civilization)

Culture – An instrument for ensuring he doesn’t leave and she doesn’t whore out.

Czech people – Central European nation with the epicurean and parochial culture of hobbits and the hauntingly superhuman physique of elves, producing some of the most unexpectedly profound writers on the planet.

Decolonization – The withdrawal of western powers from the developing world in preparation for a recolonization by China.

Decolonizing the curriculum – Colonizing the curriculum with things that mostly don’t belong on it, based on the mistaken belief it wasn’t already diverse. People who haven’t read any of – and don’t know what’s in – the classics complaining about the composition of the classics. (See Diversity)

Deflation – Things getting cheaper, but with a disapproving spin.

Diversity 1. Hiring people for their genitalia or skin color rather than merit and qualifiaction. (See Social Justice) 2. Patronizing women and ethnic minorities by implying they can’t succeed without preferential treatment.

Economics, Austrian – The school of economics that best describes economic reality, but is heterodox because it’s politically inconvenient. For the opposite, see Economics, Keynesian.

Economics, Keynesian 1. An economic theory that dominated 20th century political economy not so much through the quality of its ideas as owing to its political usefulness, justifying government interventionism and borrowing. Even at its countercyclical best, by relying on the will and ability of politicians to run a fiscal surplus, is bound to fail in the real world and lead to spiralling debt. (See Fiscal Stimulus). 2. The theory that we magically grow richer by wasting resources. 3. Socialism with Anglosaxon characteristics.

Economic crisis1. People with savings briefly being able to buy productive assets at an acceptable valuation. 2. Temporary enforced period of very nearly sane economic behavior.

Elon Musk – A time-travelling artificial intelligence installed in a barely convincing simulacrum of a human body, tasked with returning this timeline to the correct trajectory, from which it strayed in the late 1960s.

Emotional labor – Backing up your arguments.

English food – The only cuisine that gets lighter when you add fries.

Environmentalism1. Concern for the environment (the default position of 99.9% of all people) 2. Collective Oedipal complex manifesting through attempts to prevent Mother Nature from getting despoiled by tall rigid patriarchal structures emitting whitish substances.

Essentialism – The idea, uncontroversial outside late night absinthe-fueled sessions in the dorms of the Sorbonne, that things have their own natures and substances that determine what they are, i.e. that things exist.

Ethics, academic – A field dedicated to blocking life-saving technologies and increasing human suffering, instead of confronting its Bronze Age biases picked up from premodern foreskin collectors.

Euro – Financial instrument for redistributing the wealth of toothless Greek olive farmers to German industrialists.

False consciousness – Sanity viewed from a totalitarian perspective.

Fair Trade – Neither fair nor really trade, a certification racket forcing farmers in the developing world into Stalinist collective farming, defrauding first-world hipsters to enrich cynical middlemen without meaningfully benefitting needful farmers. (See also Idiot Tax)

Fat acceptance – Conspiracy of athletic people who want to preserve their natural scarcity and therefore sexual market power.

Fiscal stimulus – The theory that trickle-down economics, which in orthodox theory doesn’t work, starts working when practiced by the most inefficient and wasteful entity in the economy – the government.

Football – A children’s game that inexplicably became a multi-billion dollar industry by channeling tribal warfare into relatively benign outlets, albeit with the negative externalities of overpaid tasteless imbeciles with chlamydia, two lonely neurons and a gold-plated Lamborghini. (See also Footballers)

Footballers – Tasteless imbeciles with chlamydia, two lonely neurons and a gold-plated Lamborghini.

France – An European country whose political culture is entirely based on mutual exploitation.

French people – World champions in rioting against things they did to themselves.

Futurist – A person who is wrong about the future, for money.

Gaslighting – Noticing mental illness.

Gentrification – Rising standards of living, safe and clean streets and nice restaurants, but with disapproving spin.

Geneva The headquarters location of several dozen Bond-villain level organizations, involved in god-tier corruption, money laundering, child trafficking and sex slavery, often under the guise of humanitarian work.

Germany1. A collection of mostly decorative appendages bolted onto two large port cities and the roaring economic engine of Bavaria. 2. The Wile E. Coyote of constant disastrous imperial ambitions.

Google – Possibly the most powerful organization in the history of the planet. Due to accidents of American culture, it is currently controlled by people with the mental maturity, worldly wisdom and emotional equipoise of 15 year olds. (See James Damore)

Greece – The ultimate one-hit wonder that had a moment 2600 years ago and somehow still sticks around on inertia. The barren tree that once gave the fruit of western civilization.

Greek cuisine – Carbonized vegetables and questionable meat with a side of yoghurt.

Harassment – A journalist getting corrected on Twitter.

Harassment campaign – A journalist getting corrected on Twitter by multiple people.

Harassment (sexual) – Flirting attempts by ugly, short, fat, poor, or otherwise undesirable men.

Hate speech 1. Facts 2. Anything outside the communist memeplex. 3. (rarely) Hate speech.

High Modernism1. Autistic overapplication of mechanistic thinking to organic systems, typically to their detriment, damage or destruction: see Central Planning, Dekulakization, Le Corbusier. 2. A term invented by messy anal expulsives to complain about the geometric aesthetic tastes of anal retentives.

Human resources – See Political Commissar.

Hysteria – A widespread medical condition which was removed from diagnostic manuals because it offended hysterics, which started a trend.

Ice Hockey – An ingenious ploy by Canadians and North and North-Eastern Europeans to get paid outrageous sums for having fistfights in frigid environments, which they’ve previously been doing for free.

Implicit – Imaginary (E.g. “Implicit bias”, see also Replication Crisis)

Impostor syndrome – Pangs of realistic self-reflection in impostors.

Inclusion (education) – Discrimination against gifted students.

Influencer1. Prostitute 2. Parasite 3. A combination thereof. (See also Socialite)

Instagram – A tool for grooming attention whores into real ones.

Internalized misogyny – Other women being more attractive, and/or liking men, and/or wanting to have children. (See also Female Intrasexual Competition)

Intersectionality – The idea that the people who built the modern world are the worst, and everything would be much nicer without them.

Investment banking – The conversion of other people’s money into mountains of cocaine, STD clinic appointments and financial crises.

IPA – India Pale Ale, a type of beer popular in the microbrewing culture because it allows crap brewers to hide technical inteptitude under overpowering flavors of old potato and damp cellar. The beer equivalent of a large Hawaiian shirt.

Islamophobia1. The belief that women have rights, rape is bad and not the victim’s fault, clitorises should stay attached to infant girls’ bodies, homosexuality isn’t a capital offense, the pronouncements of a 7th century outlaw aren’t a worthwhile guide for life in a modern society, and beer is delicious. 2. The useful idiot term of the century (credit: Christopher Hitchens).

Italian cuisine – Culinary tradition of one of Europe’s historically poorest regions, specifically developed to be quick, healthy, delicious, and above all extremely cheap. As a result, it commands impressive prices in the world’s metropolises. (See also Sushi, Lobster)

IQ – The most scientifically rigorous concept in all of psychology, currently under coordinated attack because it subverts the unscientific bits and hurts the feelings of bad psychologists. (See also Psychologist)

James Damore – An engineer who got fired from Google for proposing that women should be encouraged into more responsible roles and their representation increased by means of policies that take into account scientific knowledge about sex differences, rather than angry, futile blank slatist denialism that treats individual preferences as an inconvenience or Internalized Misogyny (see also Internalized Misogyny).

Judeochristian values – Slave morality.

Latinos – An ethnic group combined from genocidal Spanish and Portuguese conquistadors who singlehandedly destroyed a quarter of all human civilization, and bloodthirsty giga-savages who practiced industrial scale human sacrifice. Apparently, this adds up to a marginalized victim group.

Leftism – A political temperament defined by getting cause and effect the wrong way around.

Liberalism 1. (Historically) A political ideology characterized by respect for the individual, equality before the law, and maximisation of personal liberty. 2. (Contemporary) The opposite. 3. A system for the indulgence of private madness at general expense. (See also Progressivism)

Libertarianism – A political ideology which maintains that the only reason people are horrible to each other are the systems designed to make them less horrible.

Lifehack – Bombastically phrased banal advice on the internet. Usually the baseline of being a functioning human.

Lived experience1. Falling for one’s own biases. 2. Demanding deference to one’s own biases. 3. Motivated reasoning. 4. Anecdotal evidence. 5. All of the above. Supposedly a superior source of knowledge, compared to evidence, logic and science.

Lobster – Historically a trash food that was fed to prisoners, sparking protests against cruel treatment. Now an expensive delicacy. (See also Italian cuisine, Sushi)

Mansplaining – Correcting a woman.

Manterrupting – A man attempting to get a word in edgewise at least once in twenty minutes.

Marginalized1. Marginal. 2. Antisocial and ejected out of polite society for rampant criminal tendencies or constant insane pronouncements.

Marginalized group – A group with preferential access to education and employment opportunities, constant hagiographic media coverage, legal exemption from criticism and government programmes for its exclusive benefit, in contrast to Privileged groups, whose situation is the opposite. (See also Privilege)

Master of Business Administration – Toxic dilletante mishandling other people’s property.

McDonald’s – See Eugenics.

Mediterranean people – A family of nations characterized by the tendency to create as many rules as possible and then follow none of them.

Misogyny – Women who hate men imagining that men hate them back.

Modern Monetary Theory – Currency debasement. Neither modern, nor much of a theory. Magic money tree economics that mistakes issuing tokens of exchange for the creation of wealth.

Mongolia – The opposite of an asscheek, in that it is currently sandwiched between two assholes.

Monogamy – A system of reproductive socialism necessary for a peaceful society.

Multiculturalism 1. Equivocation. 2. False equivalency. 3. Moral relativism.

Myth – In modern journalistic parlance, “True thing that I don’t like”.

Nationalism – The belief that the optimal organizing unit of society is something that wasn’t even invented until 200 years ago.

Nazi1. A member of the National Socialist Workers’ Party. 2. Anyone to the right of Pol Pot.

Nazi, literal – Literally not a nazi.

Neoliberalism – Anything the speaker doesn’t like. Describes positions and ideologies ranging from de facto socialism to wholly unregulated capitalism, depending on which the speaker is angrier about.

Neo-reaction – A political ideology centered on the idea that western cultural supremacy and identity can best be protected by making the west more like Saudi Arabia. (See also Traditionalism, Paleoconservatism)

Non-profit organization – A highly profitable repository of people too delusional even for politics.

Nordic model – A complex web of public and private institutions built on the rule of law, strong private property rights and free enterprise followed by modest and increasingly unpopular redistribution, with all Scandinavian countries except Norway ranking above the United States on the Index of Economic Freedom. This gets called “socialism” by American idiots on both the extreme left and right, who don’t know what socialism is, but who either totally love or hate it based on whether they totally love or hate capitalism, which they don’t know what it is either. (See also Capitalism, Socialism)

Normative – Normal, but with disapproving spin.

Open borders – Mass immigration and demographic re-engineering under the justification that western countries need vast amounts of unskilled labor, which we’re also told will soon be done by robots.

Oppression1. Anything that interferes with being self-absorbed (see also Loyalty, Discipline, Law and Order, Decency). 2. Any difference in ability, work ethic or likability.

Other ways of knowing1. Making shit up. 2. A Motte and Bailey in which the banal observation that science is subject to occassional biases and cultural prejudices is used to justify the rankest relativism, placing indigenous musing about angry mountain spirits on equal footing with meteorology, astrology with astronomy, gender theory with biology.

Paleo diet1. The notion that optimal health can be achieved by imitating the diets of people who rarely lived to 30. 2. A gimmicky name for the trivial observation that modern diets contain too many carbohydrates.

Patriarchy 1. A system characterized by men doing most hard work and women wielding most social, cultural and purchasing power. 2. A projective psychological gambit designed to obscure the fact that human societies are basically matriarchal, and confuse the victims into further guilt and subservience.

Philosophers, academic – A guild of autists defrauding humanity out of individually meagre but in aggregate considerable living by pretending to not understand elementary concepts that even small children and simple animals don’t struggle with.

Planned parenthood – An eugenics programme posing as a human rights campaign.

Poland – A vast featureless plain in Northeastern Europe, which the admins of the simulation never got around to fleshing out. It is part of an upcoming DLC, and was never meant to be visited in this version of the simulation.

Political correctness – Fascism pretending to be manners. (Credit: George Carlin)

Political philosophy 1. The continuation of politics by other means. 2. The practice of engaging in spiralling word games until crimes sound like justice and vice versa.

Populism – Democracy, but with disapproving spin.

Postmodernism 1. A debating strategy based on attacking all truth claims while not forwarding any of one’s own, therefore presenting no attackable surface and, to naive audiences, appearing to win by not having a check-mateable king on the chessboard. 2. Sophistry.

Prejudice – The notion that if you independently encounter the same reactions everywhere you go, it’s other people’s fault.

Privilege1. Meritocracy, but with disapproving spin. 2. Apparently something coal miners have and tenured professors don’t.

Problematic1. Incompatible with the progressive memeplex, typically by virtue of being true. 2. A weasel word used to imply that something subjectively and often pragmatically disliked is bad objectively.

Progressivism – A political ideology consisting of a regressive centrally planned Bronze Age palace economy, a regressive Protagoran relativism in philosophy, and a regressive tribalism in politics.

Psychologist – A person who needs a psychiatrist.

Punching up – Shitting on the struggling working class from the editorial office of the New York Times, faculty lounges at Ivy League universities and designer chaisse lounges in Brooklyn lofts.

Reductionism – Refusal to consider things that aren’t there.

Remove kebab – Serbian hate speech against Turks, with whom they are genetically identical.

Refugee1. A person with a smartphone who pays the equivalent of a year’s first world wages and crosses seven safe countries to reach the one with the most generous welfare system and blondest women, in order to escape oppression. (See also Oppression) 2. A person running from the exact dysfunction he is going to replicate in a new place, much like a cat with a can tied to its tail.

Replication crisis – An ongoing, developing scandal where it turns out that most claims coming out of social psychology and adjacent fields for the last 70 years, many of which made it into government policy, school textbooks and public consciousness, were pseudoscientific, hopelessly fraudulent wishful bogus that proceeded backwards from desired conclusions through tortured theories to falsified data, meant to reverse accurate perceptions of cause and effect and justify radical left-wing policies. [Wikipedia]

Right side of history – The side that killed 150 million people and caused untold suffering everywhere it was tried.

Russia1. A steppe khanate conspicuously dressed in an unconvincing, Potemkinian imitation of a modern country. 2. A country with an economy the size of Italy’s which hasn’t managed to adequately organize the production of toilet paper in 300 years, yet is often alleged to be masterminding global events, e.g. whenever the urban bourgeoise lose a vote.

Russian space programme – An attempt to stop at least some Russian scientists from being poached by Iran.

Scientism – The outrageous idea that checking how things are is better than making shit up.

Sexism1. The notion that women and men are different (See also: Biology, Science, Empiricism). 2. (Rarely) Sexism.

Simulation hypothesis – Creationism for nerds. Likely, though.

Skunk doctrine – A strategy practiced by impostors and crooks in large organizations, based on poisoning the environment to such a degree that the people who are actually qualified to be there get frustrated and leave. An effective method for removing superior competition, especially when practiced collectively. (See also Postmodernism)

Slavs – The black people of white people.

Socialism1. The idea that abuses of power will be solved by making opportunities to commit them much bigger. 2. The promotion of principal-agent problems and cronyism to the main organizing principle of society. 3. The proposition that the problem of collusion of economic and political power will be solved by making economic and political power identical. 4. A system for the maximisation of hierarchical privilege, institutional capture and elite unaccountability.

Socialite 1. Prostitute 2. Parasite 3. A combination thereof. (See also Influencer)

Social Justice1. Injustice 2. Outbreak of acute toxoplasmosis among western cat people in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, with classic symptoms including aggression, sexual deviancy, sadomasochism and schizotypal thought patterns. 3. Catholicism minus good art.

Sourcetroll – A person determined to not concede an obvious or sufficiently established point under any circumstances, continuing to demand more evidence long after every reasonable standard of proof has been satisfied.

Stereotype – Statistical fact, but with disapproving spin.

Structural – See Prejudice.

Sumerians – The first known civilization. Invented beer, complex mathematics and sophisticated banking before the wheel, demonstrating a good sense of priorities.

Sushi – Originally a food of the Japanese poor consisting of waste fish cutoffs preserved in vinegar rice, which was discarded before consumption, now a positional/Veblen good sold at exorbitant prices. (See also Italian cuisine, Lobster)

Swiss banking – A system for recycling dirty money back into the official economy, converting the slush funds of supervillains into cheaper mortgages, public infrastructure investments and retirement income for small old ladies.

Tankies – Uneducated western hipsters and assorted deviants and mental defectives supporting Soviet communism in a scathing indictment of the failure of American education, being too dumb to realize they’re the moral equivalent of neonazis, only even worse.

Technocracy – Scientific socialism in a nicer suit.

Tolerance – Intolerance of reality.

Toxic masculinity – A term used by women locked in an internal conflict between id and superego, referring to male behaviors that instinctively attract them while being contrary to their values. Naturally, this is everyone else’s fault.

Traditionalism – An ideology that claims that the effective spirit of western civilization lies in all the things that had to be defeated to make the west in any way special, pleasant to live in, and historically unique. (See also Neoreaction)

Transphobia – The belief that mixed sex thai boxing is a bad idea, and at least some women should win at least some sporting events ever again.

Trebucheties – The only people even wronger about history than Tankies, ultra-reactionary revisionists and apologists for feudalism and theocracy who believe, or pretend to believe, that the dark ages were good, actually. Their programme is to protect Western Civilization by regressing it to the shittiest period in its history. (See Neoreaction, Traditionalism)

Triathlon – A sport picked up by executives after it emerged mere marathons are too cheap and easy to be meaningful status symbols.

University – An unreformed medieval guild currently involved in a daring pivot from education to usury.

Unrealistic standards of beauty – Body shapes achievable by any healthy person with two hours of light exercise per week.

Value dam – Company able to exert considerable pricing pressure both on its customers and suppliers, capturing disproportionate value.

Vibrant – Stabby.

Viking raids of England – A series of raids on the British isles during the 8th and 9th centuries, in the course of which the Vikings abducted all attractive British women, which explains both Icelandic and British women today.

Virtue signalling – Self-promoting false piety.

Wellness – Pseudoscientific scams aimed at middle class women.

White supremacist1. Typically the ugliest, stupidest and least valuable members of the white race who claim collective superiority to compensate for their individual inferiority. 2. (Colloquial) Anyone who disagrees with a leftist, especially using statistics.

Yoga 1. Stretching + superstition. 2. Ancient wisdom of the orient largely based on 19th century British army calisthenics. 3. Exercise system originally designed for ascetic hermits that now requires $ 200 worth of brightly colored equipment. 4. Recreational mysticism for middle class western women. (See Wellness)

Weltschmerzmeisterschaft – The German term for Social Justice. Literally “World-Pain Championships”. Competitive pretense of suffering to gain unearned concessions from good-natured westerners.

Honorable mention:

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